The Romance Illusion: When Fantasy Love Gets in the Way of Real Love

We’ve all heard how porn can warp men’s expectations of sex.

But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough:

Romance novels and TV shows can do the same thing to women… Only instead of sex, they distort our perception of love.

Not because women are silly or naïve.

Not because romance is “bad.

”But because when the fantasy becomes a template, real love starts to feel wrong.

Romance Isn’t the Problem... But Our Expectations Might Be

Let me be clear: I’m not anti-romance. I love a good love story.

The tension.

The emotional arc.

The moments of deep longing.

There’s something beautiful about watching people finally see and choose each other.

But when we consume those stories over and over… And when they’re the main model we see for what love looks and feels like…They start to program us subtly and powerfully.

We start expecting the slow burn. The emotional angst. The dramatic reunion after chaos. The telepathic connection where he just knows what you need with having to ask.

And when our real-life relationships don’t match the script? We assume something’s off.

What We Start Believing (Without Even Realizing It)

• If there’s not constant passion or tension, it must be fading.

• If he doesn’t chase me, he must not care enough.

• If I’m not overwhelmed with emotion, it must not be love.

• If we’re not perfectly in sync, maybe we’re not soulmates.

But real love? It’s rarely written that way.

Real Love Is Often Quiet

It’s steady.

Sometimes even boring.

It looks like emotional safety, honest communication, mutual respect, shared responsibility, and taking accountability for our part of a quarrel.

It doesn’t always come with butterflies. In fact, for some of us, real love feels weird at first because it’s calm. Our nervous systems don’t know what to do when they’re not activated. So we crave the high of drama instead of the depth of connection.

Why This Matters

Because if we keep chasing a fantasy… We’ll keep abandoning the real thing.

We’ll push away the partner who’s consistent but not flashy. We’ll second-guess the love that doesn’t feel like tension and release. We’ll keep thinking something’s wrong when it’s actually… finally safe.

So What Do We Do With This?

1. Get honest about your programming. Ask: What do I believe love is supposed to look like? Where did I learn that?

2. Stop comparing real people to fictional characters. Love might not look like grand declarations or emotional speeches. Sometimes it’s showing up. Listening when it’s uncomfortable.

   Holding space without needing to fix.

3. Redefine what you want love to feel like and not just what it should look like. Do you want to feel safe? Seen? Playful? Steady? Choose your version and not the one you were fed.

One Final Thought

Just like porn creates unrealistic expectations around sex, romance stories can quietly set us up to feel unsatisfied with real love. Not because love is lacking, but because we’re comparing it to a fantasy.

Real love isn’t a performance. It’s not dramatic tension and last-minute airport sprints. It’s a practice. A choice. A mirror that reflects how deeply you’re willing to show up for yourself and for someone else.

And when you stop trying to force love to look like the story… You finally get to feel it for what it is.