Abuse Thrives in Silence

Growing up in a large family that refused to face things and didn’t know how to communicate created a perfect storm for abuse to take root.

I was raised in an abusive polygamist family. Now, before you assume all polygamist families are abusive, don’t. Abuse exists in every culture, religion, race, and family structure. Mine just happened to be polygamist and abusive.

And I want to talk about it. Not to shame anyone. But to shed light on how this stuff hides, grows, and keeps going unless someone gets honest and says, enough.

Before I go any deeper, let’s name the types of abuse I’m referring to, because not everyone realizes how many different forms it can take:

• Physical abuse is hitting, beating, slapping, or using physical force as punishment or control.

• Emotional abuse is making someone feel wrong, crazy, or ashamed for how they feel. It shows up as guilt-tripping, manipulating, withdrawing affection, or using gaslighting to make someone doubt their own emotions.

• Mental abuse twists things to confuse you. It might turn people against each other, mess with your memories, or distort your sense of reality. Gaslighting is a huge part of this! This is where you’re made to question your own sanity or instincts.

• Spiritual abuse uses religion or spiritual teachings to shame, scare, or dominate. In our family, we were told how bad we were and that some siblings were going to hell.

• Sexual abuse is any unwanted or inappropriate sexual behavior. In our case, it started from an outside source and spread through the family.

In my home, two of my moms were the “keep the peace at all costs” type. My dad? He was the “sweep it under the rug” kind of guy. One of the other moms was openly abusive. And then there was the sexual abuse that no one wanted to talk about.

There were beatings. Some kids were denied food. There was emotional and mental cruelty. I even watched babies being harmed which in turn shattered something inside me.

And yet, over the past 20+ years coaching hundreds of people, I’ve heard stories far worse than mine. That doesn’t take away from what I experienced, but it has given me a wider lens. What we think is “normal” often isn’t.

Here’s the thing. In my parents’ generation, most of this wasn’t even called abuse. It was called discipline or obedience or “just the way things are.” But what doesn’t get questioned gets passed down. And unless someone interrupts the cycle, it keeps going.

Thankfully, we’re living in a time with more awareness. And that means we have the power to break these patterns for ourselves, our kids, and the generations that come after us.

But here’s something that still keeps a lot of people stuck: They don’t always realize they’re in an abusive situation. Or if they do, they don’t know how to name it out loud… or what to do about it.

That confusion... that silence... is part of what keeps abuse alive. The more we learn how to recognize it and talk about it clearly, the more power we have to shift it.

So how do you break the pattern?

It starts with how you treat yourself.

If you’re harsh, critical, punishing, or controlling with your own thoughts and emotions, you’re still living in the same system that created the abuse. You don’t escape it by hiding from it. You stop it by changing the relationship you have with yourself.

Here are some ways to begin:

• Stop the abuse you aim at yourself. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself when you mess up. Do you call yourself names? Shame yourself? Shut down your feelings? That internal violence feeds the external kind.

• Talk about it. Release the shame. Abuse thrives in silence. So does shame. Telling the truth safely and with the right people starts to break the hold it has on you.

• Apologize to the people you’ve hurt. I know this one stings, but it matters. Owning the harm we’ve caused is one of the most painful and powerful ways to stop the cycle. And once you’ve done it, you’ll think twice before ever doing it again.

• Face what you’ve been avoiding. Not facing yourself is a form of silencing what’s real. Start telling the truth inside your own body. Inside your own heart. You don’t have to do it all at once, but do start.

• Be a source of love. For yourself. For others. For the people who trigger you. For the parts of you that still hurt. Being a source of love is not about being passive. It’s about being deeply honest, fully present, and willing to do things differently.

Hurt people hurt people. That’s real.

But healing the hurt... that’s where the cycle ends.

Not with more pain. Not with more silence. With love, accountability, and a willingness to be the one who says, “This stops with me.”

Want support in shifting the patterns?

Most people were never taught how to have the hard conversations. And when we don’t know how to talk about what hurts, abuse keeps getting recycled.

That’s why I created my 3-Step Crucial Conversations Class. To give you a simple, powerful way to speak up without blowing things up.

This isn’t just about communication. It’s about reclaiming your voice. Your power. And your ability to show up differently for yourself and the people you love.

Click here to check it out. (https://www.simplyrelatable.com/3-step-crucial-conversation-download)